A Gathering of Stones

We lived in a place where people stacked stones.

One upon another.

So they would not forget.

Because of the visual.  

A weight.

Burden.

Stones that speak.

Shout.

Or weep.

Or scream at...

           all of the days... or years gone by...As though they were still caught in the rear-view mirror.

To remember her, or him or these fleeting moments.

When friends, relatives or family experienced great sadness, 

or great joy.

And to live, also, even in the knowledge that whatever happened...

                                                                              there was still,  God.

My wife and I went quietly past some of these silent monuments one day.

We paused and read names.

Some were etched 

and some were scrawled in burnt ash.

I wondered of the hands that placed the stones.

Did they tremor in the process?

Did the person who bent their knee and placed them here

experience grace enough to lift their chin

and stand again?  

To go forward from that day.

Broken stones, 

to remember broken bones,

                           broken hearts.

                                Broken spirits.

But maybe also to remember hope.

                                        Resurrection.

New days after long nights.

                       Because...even after the night...there is still God.

And I believe that because, there is...still God,

                       today, there are living stones of remembrance who walk among us.

Escape

Not long ago,

I was driving along the edge of a small town, 

              that's being stretched into something bigger.

Passing a series of strip malls and fast food chain restaurants.

It felt like I was looking at an adolescent; not sure what's supposed to come next.

Needing direction and understanding.

A diverse population growing along its borders.

With rough edges, moving into a whirlpool of

                                      abandoned houses, bikini coffee shops. 

                                                                     And people.

I know a young man who grew up 

                                     and into all of this.

He came to church...sporadically.

He was kind and thoughtful.

I loved him, wished to see him more.

We talked about that often.

It was mostly easy conversation.

Comfortable.

Hopeful.

He just seemed distracted, but not distanced.

One day, he found someone 

                         that he was talking about spending his life with.

They came and stood in front of me, his arm around her waist.

Beautiful smiles.

Looking at each other and then back to me.

His eyes, shining with a crystalline blue.

A joy in the both of their hearts that spilled all over their faces.

We talked about a time; maybe a couple weeks down the road,

When we would get together and 

              discuss what might be next for the two of them.

The date came and went.

My texts went unanswered.

Months later, they walked up to greet me after service.

Remarking how the message had spoken to them.

Same beautiful smiles.

We hugged.

Talked about getting together again.

But we never did.

And now he's gone.

In a tragic story; which doesn't feel like the main point of this.

I believe Jesus' arms were strong enough 

                                        to catch him, and keep him.

What I hate is the "in-between" of it all.

The struggle I know he felt.

He had to make choices.

Those choices bore consequence.

I know it.

The church doors were always open.

Many people had offered him sanctuary there,

                                      And even in their own hearts.

But today, I'm thinking about what shapes our choices. 

This young man felt he had to leave home at 15 years old.

He tried to navigate life, mostly on his own from that day forward.

The day to day of his experience, so young, had so many more obstacles than mine.

And....I wonder...

Just how hard it must be to escape the whirlpool of 

                               abandoned houses and bikini coffee shops.

A Home Coming

It will be 

like a coming home

All things will be coming home 

Everyone we've had to let go

To a place unknown

When we're fully grown

To a place we've never been

Still, it will feel like we're coming home

As the giant arm 

of an old ferris wheel 

slowly turning a full circle

'Til we step off this ride 

And find its all been made new again

As it was in the beginning

So it will be in the end

Our long walk, back to the garden

Eastern Gate swings wide

We'll be ushered inside

Our hurts fade to wholeness

Grief healed by joy

Tears are captured; gently, laid aside

While light floats softly

Into our darkened corners

Riding on a weightless wonder

The voice our heart knows

Though its never been heard

Speaks our name out loud

Amid the growing crowd

And faces aglow 

Because now we know

What once was veiled

Has become our home

We found our way home

And can it be?

WE FOUND OUR WAY HOME!

A Terrible Underestimation

I don't know that I completely understand how it all works.

Sometimes it feels like it doesn't.

I have to confess that at times I forget the power 

and also, the peace that is available.

And then someone reminds me.

Sometimes 

it is His Spirit,

A voice

who calls

but only softly.

Sometimes its another voice.

Who has faith more than I.

Standing on the place

Where flame and smoke took away.

But the promise still stands.

And he's sure in his sight

What had been

will be again.

Speak the words...he said

Standing there in the place where the fire began.

They will be heard

They will commence

Because there is power, I know it!...he said

And so I did.

We faced each other

Hand to hand,

Face to face

I lifted.

I called.

I pled.

And a month or so later I asked,

Has it made any difference?

He smiled and said, 

YES!

Of course! 

He has blessed!

And I thank you for coming

And for your words of request.

I knew it was needed

               
I knew He would listen...to you.

And I thought...It was only prayer.

                         What a terrible underestimation.

THE SIGHTLINE BETWEEN US

We were in a crowded food court a few months ago, 

and I was looking for our daughter because we were supposed meet her and our son-in-law there.  

As we located a table that the four of us could sit down to, and I was pulling out a chair, I saw our daughter walk into the area.  She was about 100 feet away from us on the other side of the room.

A smile swept over my face and I waived enthusiastically towards her.  

She acknowledged my waive.  

However, at that precise moment a man who I didn't know at all, walked into the sightline between us.  He smiled warmly and waived enthusiastically back to me.  

Then he realized he didn't know me. 

He looked quickly behind him to our daughter, and saw that it was her that I was trying to connect with and not him.   So he ducked his head a bit ashamedly, and moved away from my gaze as fast as he could.  

I felt bad for him, 

because I've experienced the same sensation.  

It feels like you forced yourself into a conversation, 

and want to apologize for your interruption.  

You feel a bit foolish and weirdly, your self-worth can even take a hit.  

It washes over you in seconds and is usually forgotten quite soon,

but in that moment, 

at the very least, 

it feels very awkward.  

Mostly, this is a rare occurrence and is not representative of how we feel about who we are, but I think that for some, it can be a microcosm of how all of life is experienced.  I have felt seasons in my life were marked by this kind of feeling.  Moving from one school to another as a kid and having to figure out who might be part of a new friend circle was hard. Encountering moments where someone you thought would be a fit, but turns out to be un-trustworthy is painful.

Growing up, we do more to brace ourselves for this uncertainty and don't offer ourselves to others before we do some kind of unofficial "background check."  This can stretch into our college years and afterwards into the workplaces of our lives.  We learn to shield our hearts from overextending and keep our distance; sometimes a lot of distance.  Sometimes we stop risking relationships altogether.

As I write those words, I'm feeling saddened by them, and yet, I know them to be true.  I've talked with many adults who have told me that this is how they feel.  They have gone through divorce, lost their job, have had a family blow-up or just feel isolated for a variety of reasons.  

They feel like they could not be the object of anyone else's attention.  

God the Father is not like this. 

His son is not like this.  

His Spirit is not like this.

If we sense that He has locked eyes on us, it's because He has done just that.  

HE WASN'T LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE...HE WAS LOOKING FOR US!  :)

AND if we initiated the connection, he's ready to meet us.  He said things like:

"Come to me, all who are weary..."

"I stand at the door and knock..."

"I will never leave you..."

All of this helps me understand that there is a love for me that's never fickle.  

It is consistently directed towards me. 

It doesn't flinch. 

 

There is a song that we sing today in church, and if you catch me when I'm singing it, and it looks like I'm pretty intense about it, its because  the lyrics resonate deeply in me and with the thoughts connected to those written here.  They say: 

"I sought the Lord, and he heard, and he answered...I sought the Lord! and he heard! and he answered!

That's why I trust him...THAT'S WHY I TRUST IN GOD MY SAVIOUR, THE ONE WHO WILL NEVER FAIL!"

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJE4yahElBQ&list=RDiJE4yahElBQ&start_radio=1)

The Iniquity Crush

Can't put it down

Won't let me go

Into a sleep

Or even rest

So, I roll over

One side, to the other

Then back again

And I wonder...

How would it feel 

to know each and every... 

To carry it all 

Upon your shoulders

Upon your heart

All the way 

Up the hill

To that freedom tree

The iniquity crush

Of mind, body and spirit

That was not on me

Because you went

Where I could never walk

You bore us all

For there were none

No, not one...

Without stain

Without pain

We've all fallen

And cannot rise

Apart from You

Alive in us

As you breathe life

Back into dust

Once more, "How?"

And not only for those

That steal my sleep

But for me

And once more, "Why?"

Is your heart so given

Is your promise so certain

For whosoever will

Perhaps, I will always wrestle in this peace you have bought... for even me.

Calamity

There are some things that I thought were going to be big issues in life, which turned out to be, well not so much...

For instance: Piranhas, quicksand, The Bermuda Triangle, spontaneous human combustion.

I can remember as a child being significantly concerned about the random locations of quicksand I may run into, and once caught in that mire, what kinds of body movements could be detrimental to escaping such a calamitous situation.  I entered into most forested areas with these thoughts lightly pinging at the back of my mind.  After all, if it came into play on Gilligan's Island, Jonny Quest and Scooby Doo, let's face it, we should all be wary about quicksand no matter where we live.  I thought, there would be giant signs warning us of these dangers, but I never saw any.  Which should have encouraged me to think that is was less of a problem, but it only reinforced the idea that they were well-hidden.  These death-inducing hazards were everywhere, but no one lived to tell of their whereabouts.

I'm now into my 60's and none of the "big four" listed above, have been a big problem. 

In fact, they have been no problem at all. (sigh of relief) 😊

This set me thinking about the things in life which HAVE been a problem.  

What I've realized is that there are some things I feel...And there are some things I know.

Letting go of what I feel 

                 in exchange for the truth that I know, or have discovered in Christ has been the

                                                                  great exercise of "growing up" in my life and I believe it always will be.  

Paul wrote this in Romans 7:15 (The Message) "What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise." 

What an incredibly honest assessment of his situation.  

No mincing of words. No effort to shade it in a way that sounds better.  

Straight-up vulnerability. 

He describes his own actions at times as something he......despises.  

How often do we hear that kind of truth?

So, I have put the fears I mentioned at the outset of this writing into a box of things labeled "lies".

Because when I'm trying to be as honest as I can about my failures as a father, husband, brother or friend I find myself identifying with the statement Paul made above.  AND this is my way of agreeing with him, by saying,

"The greatest problem or hindrance to my emotional/spiritual growth as a human has been...me."

This is not a statement of self-loathing, it's just pragmatism.

No one else and no other thing has waylaid me, kept me from my potential in a certain

moment like I have.  I'm not a victim of circumstance or upbringing.

When I have been less than I could have been or should have been, 

it has been because of my own choices.

There's a truth that lives and grows in me, through the work of the Holy Spirit.

When I listen to that truth and choose to follow, I grow.

I become...the more.

When I do not, 

I become...the lesser.

We can call it whatever we want.

Consecration.

Surrender.

Centered down.

Sanctified.

But, it follows closely to my corresponding choices.

As one who has been chosen, 

                          I am making a choice...to follow.

                                               I think it's the best way to stay out of the quicksand.  :)

She Left Her Jar

I really like the fact that it's a story about routine.

A seemingly chance meeting between a woman and a rabbi.

No one else was around to record what happened.

Which means that we read about it because the story got legs after it happened, and returned to John through her telling of it or perhaps those who knew her and witnessed the change in her passing it on.

This rabbi stops to get water in the middle of the day and meets a woman at a well.

She always comes at this time so that no one bothers her.

She hopes to escape notice.

But this time, he's there.  

Traditionally he wouldn't even acknowledge her.

It was forbidden actually.  Rabbis weren't supposed to talk to women in this context, not even their wives, daughters or sisters.

But he does.

Because he's different.  

Oh, so different, and she's about to understand that.

In their conversation she realizes that even though she has done what she could to be hidden,

This rabbi, Jesus, knows everything.

(Just writing that makes me smile. Because it's true for all of us.  There's a joy like we've never experienced that comes in our being found.)

You can feel her eyes drop to the ground, and an anxiety rise up inside her.

I wonder though, if in some ways, 

it was a relief to meet someone who knows the story without her having to tell it, 

even before she understands who he is.

Much has been written to the idea that she was a sinful woman, because of her past relationships and 

her current one.

It's worth noting that whenever Jesus meets people identified as "sinners" in 

John's writings, he calls them to repent, and he doesn't do that here.

According to Jewish law, only husbands could initiate divorce, which required no explanation or justification. 

A man could divorce his wife for burning dinner.

Then she would be expected to remarry another man.  What an exciting prospect.

Also, while women had some legal rights, their fathers arranged their first marriage to benefit the family, and women (who could be as young as 12–15) often had little say about a match, usually with a much older man.  So, they could easily outlive several husbands.

Regardless of how her life story unfolded; through the consequences of her choices, or through fates that fell upon her,  she sought seclusion and I'm sure she's weary of explaining herself.  

Yet, after this conversation, when she returns home, she can barely contain her thoughts before the people of her neighborhood.

It feels like she may be shouting when she says, "Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did!"

I want to add, "...without condemning me."

It's just before that declaration that I found a simple phrase that's become my favorite part of the story.

It's at the beginning of verse 28 (John 4).

"The woman left her water jar..."

That caught me by surprise.  It seems like an unnecessary detail for John to identify.

Amidst all the rest of what was happening, why notice a water jar?

Something forgotten by the person it belonged to.

Then I started thinking, how can she walk away from her whole reason for leaving home that day?

The question grew in my mind, until I thought...

It represented ALL that she left behind.

The identity placed upon her by others.

She was NOT a utilitarian object to be used and discarded.

The Christ had helped her to see that she was much more.

It represented her previously isolated self.  

In the moments after her conversation with Jesus she became 

the truth teller of her community, and others were drawn to Jesus, 

because they were drawn to her.

It represented her emptiness apart from the Christ.

As he promised, she was now filled with a limitless hope.

A living water.

I wonder if she left that jar there and never picked it up again.

Until Someday

It was a question, that would not be answered.

Almost an irritation.

It stayed; it took root.

I knew that what I held...

In my hands, in my heart, in my mind, was not enough.

AND somehow, it had become clear in my mortal thoughts,

that it never would be.

What then?

One day,

In that hovering of the divine, I was restless until the words spilled out.

"Where can you find?"

"How can you know?"

I asked, someone that I barely knew.

There were patient words of response.

A listening heart.

A smile.

A request.

He was compassionate unto tears, for me...

Which was shocking to my ego and broke my skepticism.

And then, while he prayed, a never before sense of being surrounded.

By kindness.

By holiness.

By wholeness.

By an Unseen Other who held all of this in him, 

like coins in his palm, now being extended to me.

An invitation.

Not spoken but understood.

I now know, it was deep, calling to deep.

I was consumed, not by anxiety but dissatisfaction with what was before 

and hunger for what might be.

Willingness to let go of the "not enough"

and to trust in this well of something I had never known.

At least not in this way.

The learning of a new way to be.

Even a new way to be seen.

a new way to live.

It was grace.

Washing over me and the stain of who I had been.

Me and the stain of all I will ever be.

Released.

A ransom paid.

A door swung open.

My whole body shook in this knowing and being known.

I wept in thankfulness.

In weightlessness and light.

I was a mess, a puddle. 

But I didn't care; it felt good.

Later, I straightened myself and stood.

Then left that place.

Taking account; looking in a mirror.

I was the same but completely different.

Suddenly aware of beauty in others and all around me.

Wanting with everything, for that new sense of being found and favored,

to be poured on all.

And it will be that way forever.

Until someday, face to face.

Jesus.

Three Times

Peter was a human.

He's not a metaphorical character.

He was passionate.

He was impulsive; in thought, word and action.

I bet the other disciples either thought or said out loud sometimes, "Wait 'til Peter hears

about this," and then laughed about what they thought Peter might do.

I love him so much.

So did Jesus.

He gave room for Peter to be Peter.

He also challenged that impulsive character over and over.

Called it out.

Refined it.

Redirected it.

And even on occasion, praised it.

(I think he does the same for us...when we are listening to him.)

John 21 is one of my favorite chapters in the New Testament.

There's a lot of real stuff going on there.

It's interesting that John concludes his gospel with a story line that is so closely

woven around the "Jesus and Peter" dialogue.

John lets us know that he's there, but the real focus is "Jesus and Peter."

Peter says, "Let's go fishing"

Peter jumps out of the boat when John notices Jesus on the shoreline.

Peter pulls the net full of fish ashore so Jesus can make breakfast.

Peter has an intense conversation with Jesus after breakfast.

Peter is told about his martyrdom.

Peter tries to deflect the conversation to John.

It's a lot to take in.

I want to touch on the one general thought that is reaching out to me today.

Three times..."Do you love me?"

It feels like Peter is fairly annoyed with the process.

And when I've read this before I think I have coupled Jesus responses to communicate

something like, "well...if you really do love me, then feed, tend or take care of others."

As though doing these things would prove Peter's love for him.

However, like I mentioned earlier, Peter was always ready to act.

When reading this passage most recently I wondered if that was really what Jesus 

was getting to.

I'm thinking that it may be actually almost the opposite.  

I think today that what I hear Jesus saying is this, "LOVE ME!"  

Full stop...and then...

It is the only way that you will ever be able to do any of the things you'll need to do in 

your life.  It will all flow out of your love for me.  If you don't LOVE ME...If you can't 

live in me and that love, and I live in you, bringing you strength and power 

through my love, you'll never be able to feed sheep or completely follow me

because honestly...it's humanly impossible.

It's his love for us, and in us, and our love for him that will sustain us.

It will keep us focused and able in whatever is before us.

Draw us out.

Draw others in.

At beginning and end.

There's no other way.