It was a question, that would not be answered.
Almost an irritation.
It stayed; it took root.
I knew that what I held...
In my hands, in my heart, in my mind, was not enough.
AND somehow, it had become clear in my mortal thoughts,
that it never would be.
What then?
One day,
In that hovering of the divine, I was restless until the words spilled out.
"Where can you find?"
"How can you know?"
I asked, someone that I barely knew.
A smile.
A request.
He was compassionate unto tears, for me...
Which was shocking to my ego and broke my skepticism.
And then a never before sense of being surrounded.
By kindness.
By holiness.
By wholeness.
By an Unseen Other who held all of this in him,
like coins in his palm, now being extended to me.
An invitation.
Not spoken but understood.
I now know, it was deep, calling to deep.
I was consumed, not by anxiety but dissatisfaction with what was before
and hunger for what might be.
Willingness to let go of the "not enough"
and to trust in this well of something I had never known.
At least not in this way.
The learning of a new way to be.
Even a new way to be seen.
a new way to live.
It was grace.
Washing over me and the stain of who I had been.
Me and the stain of all I will ever be.
Released.
A ransom paid.
A door swung open.
My whole body shook in this knowing and being known.
I wept in thankfulness.
In weightlessness and light.
I was a mess, a puddle.
But I didn't care; it felt good.
Later, I straightened myself and stood.
Then left that place.
Taking account; looking in a mirror.
I was the same but completely different.
Suddenly aware of beauty in others and all around me.
Wanting with everything, for that new sense of being found and favored,
to be poured on all.
And it will be that way forever.
Until someday, face to face.
Jesus.
